Cornelius on Facebook.

Cornelius on Facebook. 06/23/2009 « prev 1st rand curr next »

Only Myrtle seems to be Non-Compost Mentis. He always did like her.

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How come, Cornelius?

Not even Cornelius can escape the productivity black hole that is Facebook.

Next he'll be inviting everyone to play Mafia Wars.

"What an utterly imprudent application of one's self"

I am surprise that he was unaware of Millicent's passing; she's been dead for over 16 years.

Millicent Hammond Fenwick (February 25, 1910 %u2013 September 16, 1992) was an American fashion editor, politician and diplomat. A four-term Republican member of the United States House of Representatives from New Jersey, she entered politics late in life and was renowned for her energy and colorful enthusiasm. She was regarded as a moderate and progressive within her party and was outspoken in favor of civil rights and the women's movement.

A good match for a friend of Cornelius. Particularly since she has a comic doppelganger in Doonesbury's Lacey Davenport.

What?

How do you know that she herself is not the doppelganger?

I friended Cornelius >.>

He rejected it

I didn't think two ladies could make a baby let alone a doppleganger.

Of course you should never let a doppleganger alone. It makes for double trouble.

Say hello to Queen Dopplepopoulous, Doppelganger!

We'll miss you forever, Capt. Murphy.

Taking stupid quizzes like "what species of bear should you be?" and "What brand of cognac are you?"

Just denied a request to play for the third time today.

Fits your avatar nicely.

Yours however does not. When do we see Cornelius grapple with Facebook:Pirate?!

I disagree. Everyone on Facebook is a biohazard.

Hey, that's a great name for a . . . SHIT!

It's a great name for a shit [i]if you live in Chernobyl.[i/

shit.

Fuck along now

if you live in Chernobyl.

i deserved that lame thoroughly for using the epithet epic to describe scorpio's fail

all of them.

you are the captain of the USS Failboat.
a check has come in for Mr. Ail. A Mister F. Ail.
i have seen children with higher scores than you.
your name in the phonebook is Fail, Yore.

these are terrible.

one time i saw a photo on my space of this teenaged dude in a suit with his girlfriend, with the caption "just that epic" underneath.

oh how I laughed

Was she cute?

Did she wear purple ?

I hate myself

Three times you deny me?

...three times?

Three times.

Three times is the funniest.

-He's twice tried to microwave a Ding Dong while it was still in its foil. Twice.
-Twice?
-Two times.

And then Barry does it, thus proving that three times is the funniest.

I didn't even consider that that action was done thrice. But only by two people.

Oh Lord. I fell into that trap, but it only took a week or so to gnaw my arm off.

Cornelius Bear took the quiz "Which Achewood character are you?" and the result was: Cornelius Bear.

Todd did also. The result was: "Being in possession of a computer with an internet connection is a violation of your parole, Mr. Todd T. Squirrel. An officer is being dispatched to your residence forthwith. A hearing to review your case is scheduled for 07.29.2009."

You are Cornelius! You love a good stiff drink and reminiscing of better times gone by. But don't let your comfortable reliance on the past and clear superiority hinder your progress, or your relationship with your friends.
about an hour ago - Comment - Like - Take this quiz!

Connie still has a soft spot for that dependable old punter, the Shrovis Bishopthorpe....the Bishthorvis Shropshire....no...

There are entirely too few grammatical errors in that result for it to have actually come from a Facebook quiz.

Some are much more cerebral than you think. Not a lick dependable, or scientific, but cerebral, sometimes.

Soon-

Later-

now I am NASTY

wait is this a real quiz

tell me this is a real quiz

It is a real quiz.

chubbied because your username reminds me I should be doing math. or studying for my physics quiz tomorrow.

chubbied because your avatar reminds me not to smoke crack.

chubbied because your avatar reminds me to eat lots of fiber

Your avaricon reminds me of a very brave man.

And your avicon reminds me of people socializing through strange ideas on the internet!

And you? I'm just tired of you.

Your avicon reminds me of Columbo.

Der Himmel uber Berlin?

A movie made on wing and a prayer or just a Wim.

I will make no attempt to Wend my way through those puns.

Dude. Did you use whiteout to create that?

Why yes, thank you for asking.

Chubby for old school image manipulation!

V-Lame for spitting on an earnest effort.

Chubbied because your avatar reminds us of TEH FAKED MOON SCAM FLIGHT.

Except like 14 years earlier:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Big_Combo#Cast

Screwed over by assetbar. I was referring to usversusthem. But you knew that... right?

Reminds me of a not at all silly man.

Unless Onstad wrote it, I'm still not taking it.

I'm surprised he's finally taking to the world of Internet Computing. Will this be a regret of his, later in life? Stay tuned.

He's had a blog since 2004. Personally I'm surprised Teodor isn't on Twitter.

Noooooooooooo
somebody stole mah picshah

Hey CORNELIUS! You joined Facebook! How come?

Hot or Not be damned!

Jesus. This looks like my upcoming 40th H.S. Reunion.
Courtesy Notice: John (Badass) Huffheinz belongs to the Group I have Died.

I have skipped my high school reunions so far. Every time it has come up, I've had this flashback to ninth grade English class.

We had this completely awful teacher. Whenever a point of grammar came up, she would send this one student (the same guy every time) off to ask the eighth grade English teacher what the answer was. Our teacher was wrong every time. She couldn't spell, either. Perhaps that was why spelling tests counted for 80% of our grades.

She also brought a special sense of utter unfairness to everything in the classroom, usually flavored with her religious views. On a creative writing assignment, some friends of mine wrote papers with a Dungeons & Dragons theme. She gave them all grades of zero because their writing was satanic. (This was a public school; the administrators were bad, too, so the grades stuck.)

In another instance, she got annoyed with the girl who sat in front of and her friend, who sat on the other side of room. They were always talking all the way through the bell, so she made a new rule: If you were not in your seat when the bell rang, you'd get kicked out of class. The next day, several of us walked into class just before the bell, and were still getting to our seats when the bell rang. She kicked us all out. That was spelling test day, so we all got zeroes on that test. My grade for the semester went from A-plus to C just from that.

Anyway, the point is, one day she wanted to read us a story she had found, that she thought was really interesting and relevant to someone in our class. It was about this guy who was regarded as a geek and a loser by his classmates. He's super-intelligent, but unattractive and unpopular. Years later, some of them see him on the street with this incredibly beautiful woman; he's obviously got money and style to burn now. They somehow learn they shouldn't have treated him like an outcast back when. She finishes the story and asks doesn't that sound familiar.

And she looks right at me. And everyone in the class turns around and looks right at me. And I'm just sitting there glaring at all of them.

Later that year, she got pregnant, and one of my friends said he wanted to abort her with a fork. I thought that was extreme. Then she had a miscarriage. None of us ever spoke again about what was said before, but I don't think anyone felt the outcome was bad for the human race.

Yeah but look at you now with your trophy wife and your money to burn.

What a hilarious story.

Risible, but not highly.

Dirigible, but not highly.

I SENSE A CONTINUATION.

But I'm not citing my sources. You all know!

Sadly, I never did get the money to burn.

That explains why you're such a late adopter.

The only person I ever knew of who really had money to burn was The Joker (but only his half).

what a whore.

FOUR lames? Really?

We're very egalitarian here. "public school!!!!? ick" comments smack of snobbery.

Make it 5

Although, oddly, what the English call a "public school" we Americans call "private school." So sick_cat may be sounding the call of the proletariat.

And in the land of Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

I was actually thinking exactly this. I couldn't tell whether he was being a snob or someone from the upper middle class who decided to idolize the working class while in college.

Either way you're being a dick though.

Quote:

Either way you're being a dick though.

This is totally how I end my next open-ended statement.

"We can either go out to eat or we can cook something here at home. Either way you're being a dick though."

In that case it morphs slightly into: "Either way you're eating a dick though."

I've always loved that: a "public" school being one that only rich people cn go to. It's like the ultimate snobbery: the poor aren't even members of the public, they're just unappealing scenery.

there's no story for the nerds that just stayed outcasts into their 30's.

well...guess it's time to start my autobiography....

I don't really get the concept of high school reunions, and skipped both my ten and twenty year reunions (which I'm assuming they had. No one knows where to find me, so I never got anything regarding them). If I haven't cared to keep up with those people in the years since, why would I wish to start now?

Because of hilarious reunion hookups, according to Hollywood.

And assassin highjinks a la Gross Pointe Blank.

Chubbied for a classic.

Our high school's 10 year reunion was a bust. We received TWO separate invitations for TWO separate dates. One fellow, a former popular jock, took it upon himself to form a splinter 10 year reunion committee because he apparently disagreed with the idea of having the reunion during homecoming. So, he "proposed" having the reunion during the summer instead. And by proposed, I mean he sent out separate invitations to the 550 members of our senior class. Needless to say, the confusion was not resolved in time for the actual date.

Only 10 people showed up for the 10 year reunion. I was not among the 10, who (no surprise) were all members of the bona fide reunion committee. I just happened to run into some of the attendees the next day at breakfast and got the story.

I have no idea what misery ensued on the 20th.

amazing synchronicity... 1 chubby-0 lames to 0 chubbies, 1 lame. Timing really is everything.

LAmed to keep the dream alive.

I totally chubbied the second post to not be mean, but then a natural sense of order prevailed and I lamed the first. Does this mean I go to hell?

I don't think so. I know I'd appreciate the sentiment.

Oh my God I love it. 5'd.

NASA didn't fake the moon landing.
They faked the moon.

555

It is rather a convenient coincidence that the Moon spins at exactly the same frequency that it rotates around Earth - meaning that we always see the same side of the moon. WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE???

It'S physics, i doN,t remember the name of the macanic, but eventually the earth will do the same. if i remmeber well days are getting shorter eah ch year (1 tenth of a second or the like) and thus someday only on face of the earth will see the sun.

Now what is a coincidence is that the moon and the sun appear the same size in the sky. That's just crazy.

Someone asked why that was in Scientific American once, and the answer was basically luck and timing. 100 mya, that shit would have been disconcertingly huge-lookin.

Wait a sec, if the earth's rotational speed is slowing, then days are getting longer. After all it would take a day (time it takes for the Earth to rotate once on its axis) of 364 1/4 * 24 = 8742 Hours to result in the same face (the "hot side") always towards the sun.

BTW, this will never happen - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tidal_acceleration

Read and Execute!

The reptilians have fooled us into thinking that we have reached the moon in an attempt to lull us into false security, thus providing an opportunity to suck our brains out through our eye sockets!

Besides, it's kind of impossible to land on the moon. After all, it's made of cheese! CHEESE I TELL YOU!

PIZZAS THE SIZE OF THIS CITY!!

Quote:

After all, it's made of cheese!

Wensleydale?

Cracking post, Gromit!

Millicent is a good name of old

Myrtle's profile shot is her in just some gardening gloves, a large floppy hat, and strategically placed geraniums.

All snapping her photo in the mirror, except the mirror is mounted in a large and ornately carved oaken frame with the entire cast of Bosch's Garden of Delights carved around the border.

Prize-winning flora in the background that her passive-aggressive ass is waiting for someone to make a Facebook comment about so she can all pretend to be modest.

My actual classmates for the most part don't have diddly to say, but the weirdos I have met other places are fun.

So I guess I'm saying that T is not quite right as to function. There is no function.

Join the Facebook group. Also, make it funny cuz i suck.

Now we just need a Courtesy Notice function.

Have you died? I have died.

papercranes hasn't died? Scandalous!

If you've never died, how can you say you have truly lived?

Little Deaths count right?

Oh I've done that, I have a child to prove it.

I will not Facebook. Facebook is the mind-killer. Facebook is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my Facebook, and allow it to pass through me. And when the Facebook is gone, only I shall remain.

(thumbs up) "Neaner likes this."

Where did that icon come from?

I will drink Beer. beer is the mind-killer. Beer is the little death that brings total inebriation. I ill face my beer, and allow it to pass through me. And when the Beer is gone, only I shall remain.

Doggie, the nation is pissing hella ducats up the wall on cold frothy ones, and you're goin all Kwisatz Haderach in the urinal?

It is by will alone I set my Booze in motion.

It is by Booze alone I set my will in motion.

Will you guys stop quoting National Lampoon's Doon? It's crap!

There's some guys I went to school with who died while they had facebooks. I wish there was some way to get them to join, 'cause it's awkward as hell that half the time I log in and glance at that "people you may know" dealie, I'm lookin' right at the face of that dude who had way too much to drink one time and never got back up.

Oh man, people can see your real name on this thing...on that topic, apparently a guy I vaguely knew in elementary/middle/high school is also an assetbar poster. This is weird.

Hey, my uncle died of death! Not cool, not funny, not a good group.

that's not funny, my mother died that way

Slowly, slowly, this is becoming a meme.

Quote:

Meme

Is this what we've sunk to, Assetbarbarians? Have we finally become 4chan with avatars, chubbies, and lames? Are we going to be RAIDING places next?

The joke is that the guy who is always posting picture memes and leetspeek crap is now, unexpectedly, complaining about memes.

wingspan is there a problem you'd like to tell us more about?

I mean

if i was bunching your panties that badly I honestly must apologize to you right here and now and give you a chubby for having TOLD me

that was not my place at all. it is not my business to be acting like an EDiot on Asset bar

all posting about LULZ MEEMZ, zomg such an epic raid XD, that is not cool.

i apologize to you, wingspan...and to the assetbar community.

I would join, but I'm not dead yet.

Cornelius will have to confirm that you are friends.

Buckwater Tine might be a pseudonym of a cousin of mine in rural Idaho, from his/her views. Actually, anyone of several of them from several states. This is why I rarely go to family reunions.

Once you've named a kid that, you're sort of saying "I think you'll be a failure in life, but to be certain, I'll name you Buckwater just to really seal the deal."

you are worst offspring, conceived on boggiest toilet

Is it the 'buck' or the 'water'? Buckminster seemed to work out ok once at least.

He was Fuller it.

Less so after he used the facilities.

boom-boom

"Buckyballs". There. Craft your own pun.

a kid with that name grows up to be black and blue. or gay.

Cheap, old-and-dignified people gags. Mocking a pop culture phenomenon this far into it's inception makes this joke seem a little... meh.

That said, "Life is a gas, but the side-effects do vary" is complete gold.

All of Cornelius' departing recapitulations need to be translated and put into fortune cookies the world over.

So I can finally stop getting those "Make your own fortune" bullshit fortunes.

I'm all like "I DON'T WANT TO MAKE MY OWN FORTUNE, I WANT THIS COOKIE TO TELL ME MINE"

They're a cop-out. They have one function and that is to dispense fortunes. And lucky numbers and sometimes Chinese phrases. They certainly weren't made for their taste. So they better goddamn deliver next time I get me my General Tso's.

You can't buy them in supermarkets? We have a brand down here (Kong Foo Sing) that must be good because it says right on the box "Happiness is a Kong Foo Sing".

Happiness is a Kong Foo Sing
with good fortune that it brings
so quit your moping
and crack one open
smiles abound
the cookie has spoken

Cheers the 'gurge', cheers.

It's the King.

Dude whatever, fortune cookies are delicious.

You have never had a fortune cookie until you have had one hot, right off the mold. Visiting the fortune cookie "factory"* is one of the best things you can do in Chinatown. Better even than visiting the oldest Buddhist shrine in America.

*Unless they have a hidden one somewhere in the back it is just a tiny, sweatshop looking room off a small alley with one lady working there. She does a better, faster job at folding those hot cookies than I will ever do at anything in my entire life.

Belgand destroys your own pathetic liking of fortune cookies with a superior experience that he has had.

In San Francisco.

Belgand is on the internet.

Belgand is on the better internet.

The one where people trade cookie recommendations and are never complete cocks to one another.

Cookie Blog

This smacks of socialism. We must organize a DoS attack on this cadre of cookie cooperation.

Belgand IS the internet.

I wasn't intending to say that Tekende wasn't allowed to enjoy the hell out of them, it was aimed more at people who would dismiss fortune cookies. I was merely attempting to defend them.

Basically my point is that they're kind like, well, every other cookie. Are you thinking that a dry, hard, crumbly, unpleasant Chips Ahoy! compares in any way to a soft, melty homemade chocolate chip cookie straight out of the oven with a tall, frosty glass of bovine secretion? Same deal here man. Don't knock it 'til you've had a chance to taste them at the top of their game.

I am one of those people who would dismiss the fortune cookie, and I have seen the error of my ways.

i collect mine.

also, you're not supposed to read your fortune until you're done eating the cookie OR ELSE IT WON'T COME TRUE!!

Is that a real thing? I just crack it open, eat a piece as I read the shitty fortune, try to pronounce the Chinese word, then throw the whole thing out.

I was just messing with you, Belgand.

You do have an amazing ability to seem condescending and overly opinionated to people, especially about the most inconsequential things, even though you're not trying to be. I consitently find this to be really funny and quite amazing.

I think we all know you're a decent guy. If I ever post something like this again (it'll proably happen), just take it as good-hearted ribbing.

For my pleasure?

Assetbar folks may find this of interest since you mentioned "bovine secretion". I recently experimented with so-called "raw" milk. This is milk that has not been Pasteurized. The difference is profound. Unpasteurized milk is what made milk famous. I am totally hooked on raw milk. If I go two days without, I start jonesing bad. In the modern world Pasteurization is simply a way for milk producers to take total crap milk and make it so that it doesn't kill you right after you drink it. Doesn't mean that it isn't killing you slowly - it is! Raw milk on the other hand is why way back in the day they called paradise the "land of milk and honey."

BTW, it is against Federal Law to cross state lines with raw milk. That is why I have to drive half an hour each way every two weeks to buy my raw milk.

See? They start with cocaine and heroin, and the next thing you know, cow's milk is illegal too. Are we all slaves? You all slaves.

That is also why it is impossible to find good cheese in the States, I am led to believe.

Comme up here friend, we have our ladies are beautifull and the cheese is good !

What if you hate milk for unknown reasons? Will raw milk be better or is it like dark chocolate as opposed to milk chocolate?

NOTE: I do not intend to buy and drink raw milk no matter what anyone tells me about it.

I don't know. All I do know is that my milk consumption had dropped to nearly nada before I started on the raw, and now I polish off 3 half gallons every 2 weeks.

You know, I've never really given two shits about honey, so this doesn't really sell me.

This all reminds me of an extreme vegan/new ager I worked with, who went on that whole raw vegetable only diet a few years back, and proceeded to get a gastro-intestinal infection and have (reportedly) the nastiest farts this side of the Missouri. Luckily, I never had to smell one.

You know what's killing me slowly? EVERYTHING. Including your shitty posts.

(I know, I know. Your response: "LAMED for not supporting my sustainable development")

Oh and here I thought it was his song. Live and learn I guess.

Softly, octafish, softly.

Please dude, have a little sang froid. Not everybody who steps outside the gastronomic mainstream is another Pat fer Christ's sake. I'm telling you raw milk is the shit! I am about as far from a vegalon as is poss.

You get furious ding-dong fortune Missa Buckwheat!

"Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity."

When did my mother start writing fortunes?

Poor, poor Filbert.

in bed.

Connie only got wind of it today. Cut the guy a break (and by guy I mean Connie).

Sorry Connie, please pass on my indifference to Chris.

MEH

Oh, you said what I said, only 21 minutes earlier. Rats.

Not to mention all the stalkerfeed updates are UPSIDE DOWN

I wonder if maybe Chris doesn't have a Facebook, but, like, his wife does or something?

That bugged me too.

That's what British Facebook looks like.

No, he has a Facebook. He actually seems to go on it a lot. I'm friends with him.
I think he did that for the people who are unfamiliar with the format. They will assume that the top stuff is earlier.

Maybe facebook automatically adopts that format if you're over a certain age.

Do not hesitate in ordering this item.

Subsequent Abortion Explosion will open for Applesauce Bastard and The J. Q. Huffy Sin-sation tonight at 7:00: Lower Level Stage. 18

Imagine a plus sign after the 18.

I can imagine it... it-it's so wonderful.

What's really fantastic about a number with a plus sign after it is that if you evaluated that in Haskell, you would get a function which adds 18 to things. So you could write map (18 ) [0, 1, 2] and get [18, 19, 20]... It's a great shorthand!

Imagine a plus sign after the 18.

Oh god do mechs talk about anything other than programming?

Came to post not-as-good version of this.

a confrontation with the internet..........

the internet.....is a place....where people go

Cornelius as a caricature and jokes about Facebook? Come on Onstad. You are better than this.

Let he who is without resorting to a fart joke cast the first stone. Honestly, what does the subject material matter as long as it's funny? I'm tired of people applying some kind of classy/originality scrutiny to everything in life. Sure, every plot in every Marx Brothers movie is almost nonexistent, but you're watching for the wordplay and harpplay. It's analogous. That's why I brought it up.

The Facebook/yearbook joke is one that has been told countless times across the globe, with just as much precision as displayed here because really, when you get down to it, there's only one way to tell it. And the jokes about Cornelius have been told before, by Onstad, one hundred times over, to the point where the character is lifeless, predictable and dull.

So in a comic where original, sparky humour was once the main draw, I find this strip falls more than a little flat.

I'm not thrilled with it, but any strip that gets us away from the Wales arc is a step in the right direction. That whole thing was basically physically pushing me away from Achewood.

I... I tried to click HERE to read about the subsequent abortion explosion. I am so disapointed.

Also I do not belong to facespace, is this an
accurate represenation?

To a T.

Would more people please recognise this champagne-comedy styles pun.

This might halt the chubby flow, but please fill me in.

(There's a joke in that sentence too.)

Unless it's not just "toat"->"totally"/ "to a T"

Octafish left out a "t" in represen(t)ation. You said that the representation was accurate to a "t". It was the coolest bit of punnery I've seen in my Assetbar (which is as unlikely as we all are aware).

God damn, I wish I had made that pun on purpose.

I bet Oscar Wilde said that a lot. In any case, I'm sorry.

I'm so dissapointed.

I'll make it up...someday.

Make it up NOW.

OK WORLD CLASS PUN COMING YOUR WAY.

WE CAN MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A RESTAURANT AND CALL IT "WAIT-ER MINUTE"

The zinger is that the waiter is actually a waitress but no one ever catches on!

Success! Now please say, in the memorable words of Pete Townshend, "You are forgiven."

I'd waiter minute!

Waiter?
I will have sex with her instead!

What?

Ladies making the happy together? We require visual confirmation.

Don' be so pedan'ic

'Course it's accurate, SUCKA!

Thank you Mr T.

I just had this same experience with my uncle. Thanks to facebook, I no longer have to travel long distances to have my ass handed to me on a chess board.

Raise your hand if you've ever made a reference or some slightly odd comment on facebook and had three or four aunts respond NICKYYYY UR TALKIN CRAAZY?????????///

This is more of a under 21 kind of thing but it happens way too often to THIS assetbarbarian.

Only a couple of times.

Anyone rememer ^ this guy?

REMEMBER EVEN!

I sure don't. Who are we talking about?

That guy! You remember that guy don't you?

THIS guy? Oh I remember him. He sucked, wasn't funny ever and smellt like poo. He's back?

Fuck that guy.

yeah me too

AAAH. COME ON FUCKING GUY.

Gay Flower?

I feel so stupid.

"Granular Silica" equals sand as in Sandburg.

It only took me four months to figure that out.

Dude, don't fuck with Guy Lafleur or i'll end you

[/quebecer]

Quazy Quebequiens

It is our national holiday today, btw, incults.

For some reason, your post makes me feel like I can use "quebecer" as a verb. I'm just going to go over here and quebecer now. (I want to bastardize it and spell it quebecker, but I feel it looses some of it's charm.)

I dare you to say that to the Canadian judicial system.

Defense? Really?

tgh and sje. i always imagined you both as a kinda dynamic duo.

Like rude titties. So dynamic. And nude.

Later on, they took to sagging.

I'm not eager to take this as a compliment.

Is that the Hindenburg lately crashed into his head, spouting a fireball from topside? Are Canadians truly that gigantic?

Oh the humanity!

Don't you mean, "He fights for FREEDOM, eh?"

It never ends well when somebody has to specifically tell me that another person is my FRIEND.

I always assumed this was a universal quality.

To a B.

Stealing a joke the originator didn't even know he made. For shame.

In the top right corner:

Suggestions:

Cocaine; Todd Squirrel is a fan.

Vlad: You and Vlad competed in the Badass Games together

What is your porn star name?

Dickie Roxx, obviously.

It was actually Goldfish #1A Loomis Pines Trailer Court Sani-Hookup 12.

Some days, a nigga's just got to pollard.

Is Myrtle Hathing-Prewell going to have to pollard a slattern?

way to be on time onstad =)

rape has such heavy psychology sidefexs for its victims an' teh modivatians for teh rapist is rarely ever one of a sexual nature. its mostly 2 hurt/harm/domin8 others/fill demselbs wit sumfink tey r n control over

ps. whose sexier? anne hathaway or britney murphy? who cares, they is both gorgeouabulous in bride wars. go c it tonight

so what's your source on these ideas about rape? It's pretty hard to make universal assumptions about something that is to a large extent shaped by culture. E.g. South Africa has one of the highest incidents of rape in the world because it is to a significant degree a culturally normalized phenomenon over there. And yes you can obviously trace the origins to the repression and violence and dehumanization that accompanied apartheid. Interestingly enough, when you consider that violence has been conclusively linked to sexual arousal in many individuals, the study of South Africa only seems to verify this link.

I'm posting a meta-comment instead of the comment I was originally intending, because I just spent 5 minutes on Google searching for rape jokes to post here, and all I got was a bevy of articles on how rape jokes are bad and not funny and you should never tell them. How are we supposed to know they're not funny if they won't at least give us some examples?

i'm lol'n

Women typically do not wear bras to bed (this lack of verisimilitude ruined the joke for me).

but not the depiction of obscene violence?

Women who want to support their breasts for longer lift DO wear bras to bed, they make special ones without the wires, etc.

I hate when breasts have wires.

I like wired breasts, it means I can charge my laptop off my girlfriend.

Its been too long since my laptop got a charge off of my girlfriend's breasts.

I've never been happier since my laptop stopped charging me to see my girlfriend's breasts.

Charges have been withdrawn? Does this mean you're free to go?

oh you guys.

Someone's reminding me of the dark, disturbing nature of mankind...

...on the Internet!

Chubbied for absurdity and especially for "Howling member".

status: spooked I.R.L. by joke on internet forum

autrepoupee has updated their status!
status: pleas call the police im gonna kill myslef
listening to: everybody hurts by REM

get up outta here wit dat Bullshit

I'm toying with the idea of blocking your comments in future. The part of me which wishes to read and know everything that is going on, so as not to fail to understand some assetbar response or miss out on a moment, may eventually lose out to the part of me that deeply resents the effort required to read your posts, both for their appalling disregard for spelling, grammar and punctuation, and for their general content, which oscillates between vapid, tasteless, infantile and just plain a waste of time. You probably don't care, and you have no reason to, but I thought I would post it on the off-chance that it is all some relatively subtle post-modern ironic joke persona which I missed the inception/signs of, rather than the distinct possibility that your posts are a waste of webspace.

Well jimmyk if you have and can post for us the definitive formula that delineates the line between art and schlock, we'd all love to see it!

There are many forms of humor. One thing that makes humor funny is that offending someone or hurting their feelings... Often when we laugh at a comedian, we're not laughing at the performance so much as we are laughing at the reaction (actual or predicted) of some audience... E.g. satire, such as Carlin would perform, was and is funny, because it made a certain group of people look like the ass-hats that they were and are... What makes you laugh is when you imagine the reaction of the audience, when you imagine the audience getting pissed off, embarrassed, confused, emotionally hurt, by having their ideas attacked by the clever satire. Often the satire it's self is not inherently funny without the group to be offended by it.

AS long as it is remotely possible for someone to read between the lines of gladi8orrex's posts and perceive some kind of alternate and more genuine meaning, that someone will perceive these posts as humor, all the more so when people (like you) convey their annoyance at these same posts.

That's right, I said it. Humor is often technically indistinguishable from trolling. Trolling is merely humor with which someone disagrees... e.g. Reagan probably took his Afgan freedom fighters seriously, so he would have been less likely to see the humor in it when Carlin pointed out that if firefighters fight fire... and crime fighters fight crime... then... what do freedom fighters fight?

I don't necessarily disagree with you - much of modern humour is offensive. Hell, I love dead baby jokes as much as the next guy. And some trolls are hilarious. Colbert is almost the TV equivalent of a troll, directly parodying idiots like Limbaugh etc. (although I recently read an interesting article that states that a poll revealed many Republicans love Colbert and think he is on their side). I don't have a problem with assetbarians posting offensive humour - I'm a Dr. Manflesh fan. But Glad's posts just intrinsically fail to be funny for me (or, presumably, the 4 people who chubbied my analysis) and furthermore, the text speak makes them intolerably arduous to read. If you're classifying them as satire, then there's nothing intelligent, original or really worthwhile about them at all. If it's satire on trolling, it's been done... to death... and much better and funnier. So what really is it achieving?

i'ma fuck u stupid ib u keep up dis bullshit, whitey

quote a poll revealed many Republicans love Colbert and think he is on their side /quote

yeah I would believe that they would think that, because many republicans are illiterate, and so can't distinguish parody and sarcasm from seriousness when it hits them in the face with a 2x4. Of course, same goes for many democrats too. anywho.

to try to answer the question you pose, yeah, the text speech of gladi is offensively annoying, and that is a big part of what some people find funny. It's no different than when Andy Kaufman would do a character in a foreign accent... He's forcing the audience to make an extraordinary effort to understand what it is he's trying to communicate. The accent (spoken, or written as it were) is ridiculous. And yet, people try to suspend disbelief and get past it. Once they get past the ridiculous layer of accent, and they understand what's actually being said, it's the linguistic equivalent of a pie in the face, because what's being said is more often than not asinine. Woven into the idiocy and the insanity are threads of coherence... just enough to take your cognition on a roller-coaster ride of unexpected twists and turns. If it was pure 100% unadulterated idiocy and offensiveness, it wouldn't be funny. Many would argue that it is 100% idiocy, but that just means that you don't have quite the perspective necessary to perceive the threads of coherence in the schitzoid spaghetti morass of idiocy. The necessary perspective is a combination of intelligence, creativity, and world-view. I say intelligence not in a condescending way but in a matter-of-fact 'some people can solve certain kind of problems better than others can' sort of way because it does take a certain problem-solving ability to be able to see patterns of recursively meta ideas in a mess that is almost indistinguishable from white noise.

So what can I say... if Gladi's humor is not funny, that's one thing. If it's more than boring, if it's actively annoying, then it achieves some purpose, and it is and will be humor to someone somewhere. I don't think it's satire on trolling... The concept of satire conjures some sort of wit and intellectual intelligence, but, it seems that Gladi operates on a more visceral and instinctive level. Gladi is working with a limited repertoire. He's not dealing in the vast landscape of proprietary political ideas that are peculiar to a time or place, instead he's exploring more universal concepts (gender and race and ego) and he's exploring these concepts closer to their point of origin in the human heart. In this respect his relatively basic speech and vocabulary is actually of benefit to his endeavor.

or something

And this is why he's not on my Ignore list, while Dr. Manflesh graces such Limbo.

I don't ignore anybody. If a post starts to get boring, I just skip it and move on to the next one.

Agreed, and it happens a lot. No one here is a good enough writer to keep me amused for more than a paragraph.

Yay, let's trivialize rape and contribute to a rape culture.

Let's do that

Face it man, no matter how much you act like you want to you're never going to be all that interested in rape culture. You'll go to one gangbang and pass it off with how sophisticated you are and that's probably going to be it unless a girlfriend pressures you to do it in the future.

The only rape culture I know of is the Bacillus anthracis I keep dormant in an empty wine bottle behind the iceberg lettuce.

peps r rape eeryday, wat u doon 2 stop it besides postn shit coment on web? dont fuck wit me

Quote:

peps r rape eeryday? dont fuck wit me

Man last night I had so much rape. I've got a headache and now I have to wash my bed garments because they are COVERED in blood.

At least she had the decency to fucking make me a sandwich.

When a prostitute is raped, is it considered rape...

or shoplifting?

so what's your source for South African rape violence? I buy mine at Walmart.

Poor orphan comment.

[yakov]In South Africa, HIV has witches![/yakov]

u r psn m f u dm fl y jks gt r hd ut ur s

nicklon likes this.

"WHERES THA DISLIKE BUTON LOL???"

There is no dislike button for Alizee.

There is no possible way to dislike Alizee.

Who the fuck is Alizee? (Apologies to Smokie fans)

A pretty attractive French singeress.

Pretty and attractive? Sounds good to me.

Does she live next door tho?

She must live next door to somebody.

i wish it was me

For her I would learn French (the language too).

I'd parlez vous her Francais. I think.

Hehe, sucks not to be raised to speak a language assiociated with poesie and romance.

Sa vous apprendra

Her entire image seems to be based around the idea that she does not appear to be legal and yet she wishes for you to make the bone with her.

Yet, oddly, she apparently is legal. Truly France has succeeded where the rest of us have failed. Russia could not make it work with their fake lesbian duo Tatu, everyone saw Britney Spears' cunni well after anyone would actually want to do so and when we finally did see it were horrified.

I would do to her things they don't even do in Corinth!

"Seems to be." Her first single was entitled "Moi, Lolita." Nuff said.

A preference for neotenic (youthful) features has been the driving force behind Human evolution for the past hundred thousand years. Being desirous of non-sloping foreheads and upright posture eventually went overboard, as all sexual selection eventually does, and now we have pedophilia, which can probably be explained as the logical endpoint of this sort of natural selection, as at its extreme, it selects for members of the species that are not reproductively functional.

Another factor that increases the extent to which people are pedophiles and for that matter preference of skinny bitches over moderately fat chicks is the fact that people are programmed by their environment, and the information float has collapsed, (meaning more information is more rapidly accessible) thereby significantly increasing exposure to the aspects of our information environment which program us.

Are you basically saying we take the natural preference for younger (and therefore likely to be more fertile and extend the species) womenfolk to the extreme because it's what works and then that preference will be exhausted at a certain point and some other characteristic will take over? Because that makes sense.

Daaaaaaamn

Sister got it goin' on.

I enjoy her outfit.

It brings many men much enjoyment, yes.

I once had a gf who was kinda prude didn't want me to wear her underwear.

lol cjhuppied

Her neighbor, I think.

Now whenever I see someone post that they "like" something on facebook I'm going to imagine their head on your avatar's body and I will think to myself "Yes - facebook is exactly this gay."

Haven't we done the whole "Connie Gets Into Technology" thing, more or less, with the Shrovis arc?

I'm just saying, do we really need a Facebook storyline?

tgh. maybe. it's a one-off.

i hope it's a one-off, anyway.

I'm pretty sure it's a one-off. Tastes like a one-off.

I assume you're talking about Theguitarhero's comment.

ZING.

For some reason I suddenly have a need to attach my shirt tails to my socks.

Fact: people who type things on the internet cannot afford shirts with tails. Your dilemma is purely hypothetical.

Resolutions:
1) If a Facebook group entitled "I Have Died" truly exists, nothing, including my non-dead status, shall prevent me from joining.
2) I am absolutely naming a future child Cardamom.
3) I am going to figure out how one pollards a tree.

Just pretty much lop off all the limbs, you need to start with a young tree to avoid just killing it. It is annual thing, resulting eventually in a large knob at the top of a straight trunk, as the actress said to the bishop.

Large Knob -- great band name.

The Berkeley campus features polled trees, as do many avenues in France.

I was polled once. Couldn't walk for three days.

Two ten-year-old boys are sharing a hospital room prior to their respective surgeries. In discussing their impending procedures one states that he is getting his tonsils out. The other boy says "oh, I had that; I couldn't eat anything but ice cream for three days. Me, I'm here for a circumcision." "Shit" the first boy responds, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

I have died. On Facebook. Please join in.

I own the bodies of 10 of my closest friends, and 3 people you don't know. My net worth is $360,010,081.17.

my phone num is 678 triple 9 eight two one two*

*kiss me tru deh phone

many hath perished in the subsiquent abortion explosion

abortion totally rocks so fuck you

u dont gota b inflamatory, bro. somethin' wrong wit jus' statin' ur opinion an' not lashin' out? fuck you

Yeeeeeeah, I'm gonna have to lame that, Harry.

The achewood comic about Twitter is scheduled for 2011.

i prefer to think of it as a stylized novelty. like how grand theft auto has always used slightly out-of-date graphics. but then, i'm probably just another moron with an internet connection.

"i'm probably just another moron with an internet connection. "

This is the modern paraphrase of Socrates.

The Twitter comic will be composed of one half-panel and will merely be Ray stating that he is rather drunk.

"An excellent choice of casket, sir.

Now, have you made consideration of the particular Facebook group into which the Departed might be inducted?"

Enjoyed. Five because I enjoyed it. Though, it probably rated a four. But.

I think the Alt-Text should be "NON COMPOS MENTIS," a legal doctrine meaning "not of sound mind."

Non-Compost Mentis means unable to comprehend rotting vegetation.

Take my word for it - I'm an attorney-gardener.

it was pure coincidence that her post was about a gardening activity

non-mentos capice: I don't understand coke fountains.

It means "Don't let your Mind Rot".

Take my word for it- I'm certifiable.

He's bona fide.

he's a suitor

Myrtle is the only one of Mr. Bear's school-chums whose mind has not decomposed into daisy-nourishing compost at a depth of six feet.

I have not died.

...then you've never lived.

P.s. everyone: I just friended Cornelius bear. This strip has become so meta

The sickness is inside me as well.

It seems my intrepidation in looking over this strip's comments was ill-founded. I just naturally assumed that someone would have 'shopped an Abortion Explosion by now.

...

Get on it, Assetbar!

Don't you mean trepidation?

He's kickin' arse and makin' words.

Correct. I wanna cum--erwhatever

My intrepid nature counteracted the trepidation.

this image represents how abortion is a """"ticking timebomb""""" of an issue

it is important that we learn to celebrate our differences on what could be an otherwise "EXPLOSIVE" issue

oh awesome the umbillical cord is the fuse

OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Abortions for all!
Booooooo!
Abortions for none!
Booooooo!
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!

To me it looks like a tiny Philippe with an Olympic Torch doing a triple backflip into the pool, difficulty rating of 9......

It only earns full points if the torch remains lit.

This is all fine and good, but I gotta go. My celly's "BLOWIN' UP" and I think my gf might need a ride from the clinic.

Which Pokemon is this again?

Ashbortion

A man who has never worn shirt garters whilst in service of his country is no man at all.

advertise

the best way to get good posture is to have someone hold you by the neck and then jam their knee into the small of your back

the second best way is to imagine someone is doing that to you and contort yourself accordingly

Fan of corrective surgery i see

Huh, y'know, Facebook is blue and white.

I'd stopped noticing...

well u hab 2 stop payin 2 much attention n life wit a face like urs

oh!

And read all over!

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

I never understood how you were considered to be hot, but you probably deserved to be alive.

It was the poster, and the big hair. You had to be there.

You never forget your first poster-boner.

Be honest Jeff --

Get off my assetbar!

mother

Old Cornelius, if i remember well he's supposed to be with Lyle ?

Found it, for all to see

Linking to the Pain series?

Linking to EncyclopediaDramatica?

Wowee wow wow wow.

Goodness. Thank heavens I had no inclination to click that link before.

I'm disappointed in you, Wolfensti.

My whole identity is a sham so one day i could link to the pain series. I'm not the hip canadian /quebecer you knew ! In fact i'm old man Malone, the proprietar of the fair, and i could have get away with it whitout you meddling kids

No seriously sometimes I get dicky and do that. I'm trying to be different here than on other place on the web i frequent, but sometimes it get,s ahold of you and you can't resist.

My apologies.

man don't do that or people will ignore you and write up 500 word rants about how butthurt they are because you were a cock to them, and then they will lame you and use terrible, trite sarcasm, while ignoring you and '''''''''''TYPING LIKE THIS'''''''''''''''''

p.s. note how i said ignore twice because it has great effect

Oh dear FF is at no chubbies, and the hoff has two.

He has an odd looking penis.

Scrolling quickly past the Hoff and his orange skin gives that 'butcher-shop window' effect that's normally associated with half-glimpsed 70s porn.

The effect is enhanced by the wrinkled, folded dog skin in the centre of the pic (and the centre of the Hoff). Brrrrr!

I hope he's not contemplating an Isosceles Lock with the puir wee hounds.

Her "smile" scares me, but you can see her nipples. Granular Silica is correct, it seems like the sort of thing where you really had to be there. I presume that while there is no singularly iconic poster to celebrate it Cindy Crawford had a similar effect on my own generation. Not really thought of that much anymore, but she was kind of omnipresently hot at the time. Not sure it makes sense to the kids these days though. I shudder to think what they are poppin wood to now.

Hmm... is this even really a thing? I mean, with ominipresent porn access are suggestive pin-ups even remotely an issue for today's youth?

Hi, I'm also a white douchebag.

Just keep at it, man. By God, someday someone will find this funny.

Goodnight Sweet Princess

Yes, goodnight King of Pop.

Wikipedia Edit time !

you shut your ass mouth, mensch

people like you killed Michael. ]:_(

status: crying with rage

People like Michael touched little boys

Oh, and if people like me killed Michael, I would be truly proud.

I can't believe people as stupid as you can figure out how to use a computer.

Wow.

michael jaxin gave so much to us all hwo dare u twok abot him like dat he pour 'imfesl into his music an' teh result was some of teh best musc every record'd. u shuldn't say dat abot michal

And a Very Happy Ignore List to you!

seriously!

he is Trolling so hard.

Ask not for whom the hell he trolls.

He trolls for thee. (actually, me).

Doe mensch live in Florida, perchance?

"The unidentified bus driver opined that "Michael Jackson should have been in jail long ago," prompting Kiernan, 60, to retort that "the world just lost a great musical talent," the police report said.

It said the last remark enraged another passenger, Henry Wideman, who started a swearing match with Kiernan, then pulled out a knife and chased Kiernan down the aisle with it."
Michael Jackson's death sparks Florida bus brawl

I will never get my celebrity-blinded head out of my ass!

NEVER!

also i don't know if you knew this about Michael Jackson but he was a member of the Jackson 5, which was a really great group, and he also sung a song called "Black or White" which single-handedly created racial harmony in the United States, sooooooo

take the good you take the bad

Oh, sorry. Now I know you were joking.

my bad (get it?)

And now I know you weren't. This saddens me.

Yeah, he's just gained a spot on my list next to Retardo and Socicoto

Can't you see? He is soticoto. Even if he isn't, he is.

I feel bad now. It should be noted that soticoto was occasionally mildly amusing. That starkly sets him apart from mensch.

Sorry, soti. Wherever you are. That was unfair.

Don't sweat it. Sarcasm needs some subtlety to be funny. If someone like you had gotten the joke, the other 95% of us wouldn't appreciated it.

It is ridiculous to suspect even for a moment that parents who would dump their children on others for unusual lengths of time might have had any ulterior motives in bringing charges against a fabulously wealthy oddball. Ridiculous.

That's the kind of asshole logic that assumes that women that claim rape are just manipulative extortionists. Yes, people tried to take advantage of MJ with spurious allegations. The fact that he fought the fake charges and paid off the others would lead a reasonable man to conclude that he was guilty when he paid.

I don't know what he did, but the fact that he fought the weak cases and paid off the strong cases only means he took the path of least resistance.

Also, I can't believe you would blame your criticisms on "he's a pedophile" when you've already said Roman Polanski was forgivable because you liked his work.

MJ helped music suck and his antics drowned out more important news stories. He's a symbol of narcissism and dysfunction. Nice Pete once said "That guy creeps me out." He was probably a shitty father, but I haven't looked it up. See? There's plenty of reasons to hate him without making stuff up.

Everybody's expending vitriol on MJ and giving the just as nearly deceased FF a free ride. I can't - not after she broke the heart of the $6,000,000 man.

It was doomed to fail. What, with her being called off to exotic locations by a talking box, and his propensity to move in slow motion to "SPROOINNGG" sounds.

If you are implying that both of them had gay lovers then I am with you 100%.

I thank you, mensch, for letting us all know without delay what a vapid, shallow-thinking, vindictive little gossip you are.

You are the crappiest little man in town,
You are the one who makes sure everyone knows he's a clown.

I would love to make the happy with a contortionist who is skilled at manipulation. I do not see what your problem is here.

Sure they had ulterior motives. You know how hard it is to find a babysitter for a kid on chemotherapy?

people who refer to prison rape in passing as if it's just a normal thing are pieces of shit. *looks at mensch*

My point was he used his celebrity to avoid justice. A justice that would have including the rapist getting raped.

You hungry little troll? Ah, how cute, the troll is hungry. How, lucky me! I think I have a little treat in my pocket.

Cool story, bro.

COURTESY NOTICE. Michael Joseph Jackson belongs to the group I Have Died

I was going to post this but you posted it. Kudos I guess.

Thanks for keeping us up to date.

kudos for making the necessary observation about the unnecessary observation.

It is only natural that you, the little people, care deeply about my every thought/ action

It's quite natural that being a turk can make you kind of douchey

HEY

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